Getting Out of Trouble ... For Real

Have you ever messed up in life so badly you felt you would never recover?

Business deals get muddied with amateur mistakes or lack of follow up. Personal relationships become ugly and complicated. Your life looks harder to repair than to walk away from.

We're human. We have the amazing ability to create ... and destroy ... ourselves.

 ~ authentic Carol Carterism #13 (how appropriate!)

I live in a townhouse complex that has all vehicles parked in the center of the rows of buildings. Communal living makes for some interesting stories!

Many months ago, a neighbour (we'll call him Mr. Angry) comes home to find a very nice, convertible sports car parked in his parking stall. There's much yelling and some banging of doors. He has my attention, as well as anyone else who is in their kitchen, overlooking the echoing parking area.

His wife urgently tries to calm Mr. Angry down. This couple just moved into our complex a few months earlier. Wife's efforts are lame at best. I figure she's embarrassed by this over the top reaction, but now I know Wife wasn't completely sure that Mr. Angry wouldn't turn all that rage on her. Mr. Angry disappears into his house.

Peace. I breathe. Wife is frozen, uncertain. Weird ... until Mr. Angry reappears ... with a shovel! He starts chopping into the ragtop of the little sportscar! At this point I'm calling back to my 6'4", 260 lb love of my life, Mr. Incredible, to come to the window. We might need him!

Mr. Angry reaches through the gaping new hole in the ragtop of the convertable, unlocks the door, reaches into the car and starts pulling out everything inside it! Bags, clothes, makeup, paper is flung into the parking lot! Mr. Angry jumps into the driver's seat, pulls the vehicle into gear, steps out and starts pushing the offending car backwards using the driver's door frame.

Note to self: purchase club for steering wheel. 

A frantic young lady bursts from the doorway of the unit next to Mr. Angry's, yelling "What are you doing? STOP! That's my stuff! I'll move my car! I'll move my car!". Miss Frantic tries to gather her strewn personal items, which spill right back out of her arms as she stoops to pick up more. By this time a crowd of concerned neighbours have gathered at the edges of the parking lot, keeping a safe distance, talking amongst themselves in hushed and excited tones. I watch (with Mr. Incredible) from the safety of my kitchen.

Mr. Angry lets go of Miss Frantic's sad, violated sportscar and hops into the drivers seat of his VW Golf ten yards away.  As Miss Frantic pulls out of Mr. Angry's parking stall, Mr. Angry takes a run at her, slamming his brakes inches from the side of her car!! A collective "Ooh!" escapes from the gathering crowd! Miss Frantic pulls back into Mr. Angry's parking stall. Mr. Angry retreats into his corner again ... both wait ... for the next move.

Quickly, Miss Frantic takes a run for it, backwards, through the entire parking lot. Her reverse gear screams for mercy. Mr. Angry speeds into his stall, steps out of his car, slams his door, goes out of his way to run and kick one of Miss Frantic's bags, and disappears for good into his unit.

Wow! Can Mr. Angry ever recover from this? 

I'd love to be a fly on the wall at ICBC. "You did WHAT with the shovel???" Even if his wife is the sweetest being on the planet, I will never have coffee at their house ... and I never want to be mentioned in one of their personal conversations, or know what goes on behind their closed doors when Mr. Angry is ... angry. In fact, I want to move.

The police came. Mr. Angry was arrested. I was called in to give a statement because I'm one of the few who dared to admit I saw the whole thing. My first question? "Will this statement be anonymous?" Months later I was contacted by the RCMP ... to appear in court in November. Now it's November. Anxiety! Will Mr. Angry retaliate against the neighbours who testify? This morning, Constable Linda helped me breathe again. There's a warrant out for Mr. Angry who failed to appear in court. I'm off the hook ... for now ...

I asked earlier - can Mr. Angry ever recover from this? In short "YES!!!!" Will it be easy? NO!!!! Will he do it? ... That's up to him and his ego.

No matter how ugly life looks, how deep you sink, how judged you are, there's always, ALWAYS a way to set things right and be truly alive again. ~ authentic Carol Carterism #14

Have you backed yourself into life's darker corners - late with your taxes? Overdue bills? Damaged relationships? Ruined credibility at work?

It's tempting to try to edge along the wall and hope no one sees you slip away (like Mr. Angry and his latest "failure to appear"). The next survival instinct when you can't just disappear, is to come out with your claws slashing, attacking everyone in your path (that's a whole other Mr. Angry story). You will never truly be free. As hard as it is, the only way to freedom is straight forward. You must accept responsibility, open your hands, your eyes, your ears and your mind and ask:

"How can I fix this?", "Can you help me?" ... and "I'm so sorry."

The world is a nutty place full of opportunities for epic failure, unimaginable recovery and THEN spectacular success!

~ authentic Carol Carterism #15. 

Will Mr. Angry recover from the mounting list of legal black marks?

Part of me hopes he never does, but is arrested for one of the many other MORE horrible things he's been up to, and is locked up for years. However, the part of me that has messed up relationships, finances and credibility in the past, knows that it would be better for EVERYONE if Mr. Angry opened his heart and mind, accepted responsibility and asked "How do I fix this?".

Maybe then, his wife can have coffee with a neighbour.

Choose Your Enemies Wisely

The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on. - Joseph Heller

We are all brought up to believe that we should be friends with everyone. If we have enemies, there must be something wrong with us. Guess what? We all have enemies, we just don't realize it.

One of the definitions of "enemy" is "Something harmful or deadly" - Mirriam-Webster Disctionary

Think for a moment about someone you have met who you quickly distrusted.

Get a very clear picture of that moment when your inner voice said "Careful! This person could hurt you! Proceed with caution. Avoid if possible. Smile and pretend nothing is wrong."

Remember?

That person was not your friend. You knew instinctively that person would bring you down if you got too close, eat up your time and energy and leave you with little or nothing to show. That person was NOT a wise investment for you.

• Recognize the enemy.
  
• Proceed with caution.
  
• Avoid if possible.
  
• Smile and pretend nothing is wrong.
  
• Carry on being who you are and doing what you do best.

Now, if you are like me, you often ignore your inner voice. After all, you would not want anyone to judge you this way without giving you a chance to prove yourself. Here's where most people stall, losing time, energy and ... well, let's face reality ... money.

Recognize that any effort you have already spent on these people is now a "sunk cost".

Whether in business, career, friendship or especially a romantic relationship, it is difficult to face the fact that our efforts have been wasted and the longer we invest our energy into this person, the more of ourselves we will waste. While it may seem cold, successful people master the ability to recognize "sunk costs" quickly and let them go.

If you want everyone to like you, this is a very difficult thing to do. Here's a different perspective I have discovered that works for me:

1. You have your own unique set of VALUES. To be authentic and give your greatest strengths to the world, you must remain true and honour your values in everything you do.
2. If someone distracts you from your true Vision and Mission in life, it is up to YOU to get yourself back on track.
3. If this person shows ANY jealousy or negativity toward your Values, Vision or Mission, this person is an enemy to your future growth, your current productivity and your life's purpose. You owe it to yourself, and all those you can help, to distance yourself from that person, write off the "sunk costs" and move ahead with purpose.
   

You don't know your specific Values? You have not yet created a Vision and a Mission for yourself? This is like heading across the country for a road trip without a map. You may have some great adventures, but:

• you will be distracted by every road sign you see,
  
• you will take longer to make decisions,
  
• you will have more regrets and waste in your life.

If you are tired of being tossed around in life and want to be as effective as possible, take the Values Preference Indicator.

1. Know your top core values and find way to honour them in your life.
   
2. Understand what you de-value (lowest on your list), gauge your reactions to these values and understand that is the same reaction you have to those who place those values at the top of their own list.
   
3. Recognize that there will be people in this life who will not help you but will hinder your growth and direction.

• Recognize the enemy.
  
• Proceed with caution.
  
• Avoid if possible.
  
• Smile and pretend nothing is wrong.
  
• Carry on being who you are and doing what you do best.

You owe it to you!

Rebuilding Personal Credibility

If you have made mistakes, even serious ones,
there is always another chance for you.
What we call failure is not the falling down but the staying down.

Mary Pickford

Have you ever had a moment that you wish you could take back and do over?

You know the one. It makes your stomach turn and palms sweat every time you think of it. It cost you credibility in the eyes of others—even in your own eyes.

I have great news!

No, I can't show you how to rewind time, but I do know that every passing minute is another opportunity to turn it all around.

Rarely is credibility lost forever. What counts is

• strong character;
• honesty; and
• taking ownership and moving things in a positive direction.

I have met people who would rather walk away from a difficult situation and start over somewhere else rather than

• accept responsibility for what happened,
• address the key issues, and
• rectify the wrong.

They are missing an enormous opportunity.

No one is perfect. We are all human. Everyone can make a mistake, say the wrong thing, miss a deadline, or forget an important detail. It's what we do AFTER the error that truly defines our character.

Recognizing and admitting to your mistake, then determining what can be done to correct the unhappy result, will demonstrate your true leadership and intent.

If the offended parties are still willing to talk to you, there is your golden opportunity. You can show you really are a problem-solver and person of substance and integrity.

This next step is not for the faint-hearted. In fact, this subject has likely made you very uncomfortable. If it hasn't, then you are perfect and obviously not from the same planet as the rest of us. There's much to lose by not restoring your credibility and much more to be gained by attempting to do so.

Next time you find yourself reliving a gut-wrenching moment you wish you could erase,

• pick up the phone,
• drop by with a gift or card to talk in person, or
• make a personal connection to reopen the lines of communication and ask for the chance to change the outcome.

The worst that can happen is that you are refused. You still will have won back some credibility with others and with yourself by showing the desire to make things right.

Points to Ponder This Month

• Is there a recurring area in your life that constantly costs you credibility? What can be done to change it?
• What has leaving a credibility issue unresolved cost you in business or in your personal life?
• If someone who has lost credibility in your eyes came to you genuinely ready, willing, and able to change things, would you refuse that person the opportunity to try?

If you are in a leadership position, also see http://jazzypromotions.blogspot.com/2008/12/becoming-oak-among-squash.html .